Keenbug: Old Man Bars of the Raritan Bayshore

Old man bars don't do signature cocktails and food is fairly limited, if at all. Drinks are always cheap and the hours tend to be AM to AM. The regular dive criteria is a bit more stringent here than the general Dive Bar & Drinking Saloons of Central Jersey list.

Basically, a top ten of my favorite drinkings dens. I've eliminated restaurant taverns and liquor store bars. Also, several former dives which have been recently renovated. The trend in upscale "dives" makes it difficult to define the difference between the two.

This list reflects real dives that tick all the right boxes or wrong ones depending on your perspective.

Don't expect too much here other than majestic squalor and a good time.

See Workhorse: Liquor Store Bars of Central New Jersey for the modern equivalent.

Listed in descending order of potency:

1: Lagoda's Saloon (South Amboy)

Established in 1983, open 12 PM to 2 AM every day. Originally located on North Feltus St and known as Roddy's before moving to South Broadway. Well weathered rectangle wood bar top and tile bar rail on a narrow footprint. All the cool kids use the back entrance. Front door can be tricky if you've already had a few as you need to reach up to pull handle. This place is mostly shots, beers and heavy pour well drinks for a local crowd. Welcome to buyback city.

Drink chips are branded wood. Cigarette machine for convenient cancer. Mp3 juke and a tabletop video game. Kitchen looks mostly unused but there are signs for pizza, pretzels and popcorn. ATM is hidden in a closet for privacy. I looked for a phone booth but found none. Be sure to stay long enough to watch the bartender use the bottle crusher. Wi-Fi and mugs available. I like this place.

Dive Bar Superfecta: Drink chips, cigarette machine, weathered bar top and abandoned kitchen.

Lagoda's Saloon

Ann

Print ad from 1997

2: Teddy's Bar (South Amboy)

Historic building with a 80 year old Art Deco bar, looks like something from a 1930's movie. Tavern sits up on a hill, bar is the front part of a larger structure with apartments. You walk through a vestibule and secondary doors to get into bar with a connecting staircase for residents. Roomy saloon with a high ceiling but no bands or entertainment just shots and beers.

Bartender was eating a hard boiled egg when we arrived. Sadly, it wasn't pickled. They have a kitchen but no food. Online reviewer said there were snacks but bartender giggled no, when I asked. All sales are cash and carry, no tabs, no cards. They also have signs prohibiting vaping. This means you, hippy. Evidence of billiards. The pay phone still works, in case you need to call your bookie. The bathroom was surprisingly clean and well appointed. Someone should shoot a movie here, maybe an updated version of the Glass Key?

Dive Bar Exacta: Working pay phone and abandoned kitchen.

3: Andy's Shore Bar aka No Name Bar (Highlands)

I may have been thrown out of here once before. Missing a sign for many years til recently. The CD jukebox features rock from the 60's and 70's. I hate MP3 jukeboxes. Some sort of limited liquor store in front area. Floor is painted concrete.

One evening, I walked into Andy's as my friends yelled behind me. One quickly followed me in and tried to drag me out. I told them three times, the bar has no sign. Yeah, so? "This is the bar." They looked around puzzled and quietly sat down.

Dive Bar Trifecta: Painted concrete floor, CD jukebox and abandoned kitchen.

4: My Way Cafe aka Sam's (Long Branch)

Small U shaped bar, very friendly crowd despite some right wing banter. Tile bar top with oak molding and foot rail. Almost no visible signage out front, similar to Andy's. Small painted sign on front window. I guess ya jus need to know where it is? I've driven by this place a few times. Still decorated for Christmas in February. Plastic shot glasses for chips.

MP3 juke box and two small tv's. Plenty of tables but no bar sports, just food & drink. Outside dining in back. All the cool kids use the back entrance. They have a full kitchen but no menu. I was told "Ya know, bar food stuff". I think the menu is chalkboard style, at the whim of the cook and owner. Owner seems a bit eccentric but that's fine. Parking lot out back if you can locate the driveway. Gas fireplace and white brick hearth. No online presence.

Sam

5: Last Call Bar aka Clarkie's (Sayreville)

Well worn bar top and stools. Formally known as Clarkies or Big Shots. Originally served as both a hotel and the local post office. Cash and carry, no tabs, no cards. I'm not sure why they have a POS system, no one seems to use it? DeWalt job box radio used to sidestep the MP3 jukebox. Microwave and popcorn available. Sadly, no hard boiled eggs. Second register to the side for lottery and other sundries.

Evidence of billiards and Widdy darts. Evidence of gambling. They have mugs and pints along with plastic shot glasses. Outside pen for smokers. Package goods available and ample parking. All the cool kids use the back entrance. Opens at 11AM on weekends for the hungover. Watching a hyped up guy, frantically work through his scratchers at the bar gave me a real Tree's Lounge vibe.

Dive Bar Trifecta: Gambling, well worn bar top and abandoned kitchen.

6: Marina Bar (Keansburg)

I may have been thrown out of here once before. Sometimes the kitchen is open. Quiet bar, everyone seems to mind themselves. Parking lot is patrolled by a family of stray cats who live in crawl space.

Cigarette machine for convenient cancer. MP3 jukebox. Well worn bartop and stools. Outside pen for smokers. Two pool tables. No online presence.

On a warm day, you might meet Cigarette Man. He likes to collect your stubbs and make his own special blend. I'm not kidding.

Dive Bar Trifecta: Resident bar pets, cigarette machine and abandoned kitchen.

Marissa

7: Murphy's Bar (Long Branch)

Neighborhood bar with friendly, informative staff. No food but a fair amount of bar sports to keep you occupied, Evidence of billiards, American darts and foosball. Pool table has its own room in the solarium. Open table some nights. One of the few bars that I know of with a Tornado Foosball table. Don't mistake the red door, next door, that's a residence, despite the neon bar signs in their windows.

DJ booth for the weekends and the ever present MP3 juke box. Package goods and mugs available. Well worn formica bar top and stools. Another place with an old phone booth, but no pay phone. Don't worry, your bookie is prob belly up to this bar. Someone should take a video game or photo booth camera and retrofit it. Covered, cinder block pen for smokers. They seem to appreciate it but it definitely looks like smoker's jail or a shore town holding tank.

One Yelper claimed "The bathrooms are so filthy it looks like a cracked (sic) den. It's a great place to go to if you want to see drug deals in front of you." I don't think it's that bad and the bathrooms were fine.

8: Pat's Pub Inc (Sayreville)

Small, dark bar with a square, angled formica top and concrete foot rail. The side entrance is your only option as front door is blocked by a washing machine and dryer. Elevated side room has a Widdy board and pool table. Big, old school MP3 jukebox with subwoofer speakers. I'm told it's censored for bad word lyrics. Antique Megatouch video game machine as well. I'm old enough to remember when both were cutting edge technology.

$3.25 domestic bottles and abandoned taps. I forgot to ask about drink chips. Peruse the small plant garden of succulents in the corner. This place has the same owner as the recently closed Roadhouse Bar & Grill on Rt 9 in South Amboy. I'm told she lost the building lease but retains that additional liquor license.

Ann

Candace

Abandoned taps

9: Smith's Liquor Shop & Bar aka Smitty's (Keyport)

Bar is completely separate from liquor store. Choose the door marked "BAR" for libations, there are three. Clean, gray interior, owner may be color blind? Gray wood veneer bar top with exterior plywood back bar face. Metal backed stools with a wooden foot rail on gray tile flooring. Two beer taps, Miller water or Coors water. Bud bottle is $4 and Guinness Export bottle $5 at 5.6% abv. Loaded maraschino cherry bombs but I was driving. I do ike even number pricing.

Widdy board and beer pong table. Bingo on Fridays but get there before 8PM. Mp3 juke and ultraviolet fly killer. Quick Draw kino. Cigarettes sold at bar and a sand filled bucket out front. Pizza and pretzels in small convection oven. Bathrooms were spotless. Open 8AM to 9PM, later on weekends. Apparently, this is the place if you have early morning shakes.

Corey

10: South River Pub (South River)

Large U shaped bar connects both sides of the building. Dark and dismal like a real dive with a distinct bar smell. Bartender was diligently cleaning the bathrooms when I walked in but that didn't seem to help. Bathrooms looked clean enough but I wouldn't eat here, even if they did have food. Open 9AM to 2AM every day. I think this is where grandpa hides during the day.

Bartop is chipped and hollow formica. Bar stools are cushion backed but have definitely seen better days. Ample parking in back and yes this is how the cool kids make their entrance. Two benches for smokers and corresponding sand filled buckets. Ice machine at end of parking lot, next to a wood pile. Front faces a busy street with a dj booth to one side. Two Widdy boards and a pool table. Mp3 juke and an empty popcorn machine.